About how a picture of me at 12 got lost on the internet

Long time since I've blogged, I know.

So today I stumpled upon a group on facebook with a request for people born in year 2000 to put up pictures of themselves to be judged.

2000. That's 12 years old. Under the legal age of participating on facebook without parents consent I believe. There's a lot of "when I was 12" stories from people against this. Fact is, when I was 12 we didn't have free access to social media constantly, we were already concerned with our looks back then (albeit in a different manner perhaps) - if we had social media too, where things go out in an instant, things might have looked a lot different. 

Either way, I am sure you have opinions about this too, for or against. Either way, here's a story. A personal one.  

When I was 12, I had a friend who's father was quite trigger-happy on following the tech-front. Meaning that he had a computer and a digital camera. 

Me and my friend, we spent days chatting in kids (adult supervised) chat-rooms, flirting with boys, socializing without the stigma of my awkwardness. At the time, and I don't know if this is something kids still do, we got "internet-boyfriends." We talked a lot to these two guys and decided we'd send each other mails with our pictures in them. We decided on "snail mail", because we were romantics and wanted to write perfumed letters with kiss-marks and heart-stickers on. 

We thought about using the digital camera first. So we got dolled up, make-up on, a nice top, and sunglasses to top the look with the super-bright pink lipstick. We had lots of fun taking pictures of ourselves that day, we laughed and had a jolly good time. There was one picture where I had my hands on my hips, pouty lips and a ponytail. We thought it looked bad-ass. I'm pretty sure there was a Backstreet Boys-poster in the background.

At the time though, I was confused, unkissed and uncertain of myself. A little geeky already then - but I knew this picture wasn't "me", and more so - I was uncomfortable sending out a picture portraying me in such a manner. 

The nervousness of sending a picture got to me. I questioned everything about myself, didn't think I looked good enough, didn't think I looked right. My breasts were just starting to develop and the bumps were showing through my shirt. I felt really awkward about that. So I ended up sending a picture of myself in full snow-scooter gear from the family album instead.

Yeah. 

Never heard from him again.

Anyway. Unfortunately the story doesn't end there. 

See, my friend wasn't that sure of herself either. So when she went on the chatrooms to talk to guys after her photoshoot, she sent off my picture, the one where I was all dolled up, saying it was her. I found out about this, of course - but couldn't stay mad at her too long as I quickly understood that the only reason she did it was because she thought I looked better then her. I didn't agree, but that was beside the point.

She came clean to (some of) the guys she had sent it to, admitting it was not her but her friend. I noticed how people had reacted to my photo and I was stunned. They said I was pretty. I don't think I had ever heard that from any guy before, so it struck me. And I was happy for a while, until I again came to the conclusion that the picture wasn't really "me". I didn't walk around looking like that.

Anyway, I quickly forgot about it and went on with my life. One chatroom disappeared and others appeared. ICQ took over, then IRC - and so on. The picture seemed lost, and I was happy about that.

When I was 14, I got a message from a friend. Ding!
"Hey, isn't that you?" with a link over IRC. I followed it. It led to a site where girls were rated after their looks. And there it was. The god damn picture. Rated #33 of 100 best. I was told to be "proud", I told them to fuck off - I was 12 in that picture, I never wanted it to be shown to people in the first place, it sure as hell was nothing to be proud of. 

I contacted a friend of mine who worked for a ISP-company, my knight in shining armor in whatever computer issues I had. He sent a threatening e-mail to the site demanding them to take away the photo, even if he couldn't actually do anything about it as the site didn't go through their company. Either way, it worked. And heck - they didn't just take away my picture, but the whole damn site.

At 18-19 it happened again. And again. and again. When I first found one page having this picture (Still!) I started looking for it at other places. I sent e-mail trying to get it removed. They never responded. For all I know it is still circulating.

Point being, pictures can end up places you never intended it to. The delete button doesn't take away a picture someone have saved. And if you're in some skank-database that some horn-dog have created, you're doomed to have it circulating still. Things don't disappear easily on the world wide web.

I am still appaled, because when I see that picture I see a 12 year old girl, awkward and scared, a child still. And the sites it ended up on were not ment for the eyes of 12-year olds. That is what concerns me about groups such as the one mentioned. Parents, please! Watch what your tweens are doing.