- I’m so glad we met again, he smiled.
Mark's eyes spoke for him, these weren’t just words for him, they were sincere. And right now, I wanted anything but sincere. I didn’t dare say I wasn’t going to stick around. I didn’t dare tell him that the future he talked about was not what I had in mind at all. Actually the thought wouldn’t even have crossed my mind as anything but absurd. I know I should have told him. I just didn’t know how.
Come to think of it, I probably did know how. But I’ve never been an explorer, not when it comes to my personal life. I let him be fooled. He fooled me once, and he thought I had forgotten about it. Yes, I could even say it was his fault, in the end.
The beard was starting to grow a little too long to call it handsomely. He looked rugged and weathered, like a lost puppy. Or maybe a bear, come to think of it. There was something wrong about him having this aura about him when he had this stature. I almost liked him more when he was just an asshole.
I put up and shut up. I let him believe. When he finally would get to know, I’d be a thousand miles away anyway.
There was another layer of ice under the ice itself. Johan thought this was strange, but he knew that in spite of his experience on top of the ice, and diving in arctic circles, didn’t make him an expert on the subject. He found a tunnel, much like a forty-five degree shaft down the ice, big enough for a man to swim through without problems. It looked like there were good possibilities of turning as well, so Johan decided to have a go. His oxygen tank still showed that he had a lot to go on.
The ice was thick! Like really thick. Johan’s mind raced, the navigation-systems on board didn’t show any icebergs in the area did they? Not under water either. This shouldn’t have been here. After several meters of swimming, he again hit clear waters under the ice. Yet, there was something very pressing about being here, under these solid meters of ice. Johan didn’t panic. He worked hard to stay cool. He’d just explore a little more, before going up.
There didn’t seem to be anything of interest down there, and Johan really started to feel the pressure. He spotted another shaft going upward in the ice, and swam for it.
I spent the night in bed, Mark by me. My pyjamas clinged to my body, it was way too hot to wear it, but I preferred it to be naked. He had a smile on his face while sleeping, constantly rolling his hand over me, drawing me closer in a grasp I could not stand. I was getting pissed off at having to pretend.
Why couldn’t he just read my signals. How did I end up here anyway? Nothing had happened. I didn’t want anything to happen, but it still had gone too far. He shouldn’t even have been a part of my life anymore. He was garbage, and while he was sincere right now, I knew that was a tide that kept coming and going. I climbed out of the bed and went for the kitchen. There was dirty dishes in the sink, and garbage needing to be taken out. In my own psychoanalyzing moment, I thought that perhaps I was here because I pitied him. He had nothing, and I was on my way to have everything. But alas its really more likely that I didn’t have such good intentions, but rather wanted him to remember how good I was, just to take it away again. Put a nail in his coffin.
It’s not like he didn’t deserve it.
